I’ve been “stuck” or rather transfixed watching Lifetime movies for…well I don’t know how long. I’ve lost all track of time. The thought of going outside frightens me. I’ve developed an irrational suspicion of all men. My future relationships are all shot to hell, but HEY! you know what?! I have YOU, internet. Best friends forever!
Living in Northern Nevada, we don’t get much rain. When it does rain though, the smell fills the air and my Facebook is filled with rejoicing posts of the beloved waterfall. Some use the water to share in a romantic moment with their loved one, others as a meditation sound track.
As for me, I appreciate the rain in every sense. The sound, smell, look and even the taste. But my nerdy little secret? There are times I find myself sitting in my parked car. Rain pouring down on the windshield. I look down at my cup holder and wait for the water ripples.
I must prepare myself. Do I dare look in the rear view mirror? I pause. Awaiting my impending doom. “This is the time,” I tell myself. This will be the time he shows up. The water! Did it just move? Oh God I knew it would happen! I’m going to be eaten alive! Every muscle in my body freezes. Don’t move! He won’t see me if I’m still. I wait for the water to ripple again. Nothing happens. “He’s gone,” I whisper. “Until we meet again my friend”
As I walked into my bathroom the other day, I noticed a rather large spider sitting in the corner of the counter. Not really feeling comfortable having 8 eyes stare at me in a vulnerable moment, I decided make my own privacy.
When killing a spider, my tool must meet two criteria. 1: It must be able to kill the arachnid in one felt swoop. 2: It must not be an item I will readily touch later, for fear of touching bug guts.
Aerosol can in hand, I went in for the first attack. The cylindrical can failed to fit into the awkward angled corner. I adjusted the angle of the can and my hand for a better attack. Second hit. A loud hiss came from the corner. I shrieked and ran out of the bathroom. “It HISSED! Why is it hissing?!” I screamed to an empty house. I took a deep breath, determined now more than ever to destroy the insulting little pervert.
As I entered the bathroom, a sudden realization occurred to me. I had apparently but my finger on the trigger and caused the can to release a large and loud hiss. Feeling ridiculous and I turned the can around to see what was inside the can that had cause so much panic. “Bug Spray” was written in huge bright letters. The feelings of embarrassment and irony were overwhelming. My finger rested on the trigger. The liquid sprayed all over the enemy. He ran out of the corner unaffected. I resulted to caveman tactics. The bottom of the can smashed into the counter 3 times. Mission accomplished. I got rid of the body and left no evidence behind.
Facebook changed. My news feed is filled with nothing but complaints, rendering daily Facebook stalking useless and redundant. Now I’m not quite sure what to do with my time.
At work, I heard an old person talking about sunshine. I think I remember what that is. They said it was outside (whatever that means). Maybe I’ll use my time to find this “sunshine.”
Eh fuck it. That’s what Google is for.
I got into a fight with a plate while trying to wash the dishes. While I may be the only one bleeding, I’m not the one sitting in a dumpster right now. I win.